As the new year approaches, I’ve been feeling more depressed than ever. Not because it’s the “end of the year blues” that most people experience, but because in January, I will embark on what I feel is the true initiation into adulthood: being completely, involuntarily, and indefinitely in debt.
I begin payments on my student loans next month, and it makes me dread the coming decade altogether. I worry that I won’t make enough money, that I’ll ruin my credit score and have to take on extra jobs just to break even each month. It’s horrifying. Up until now, I’ve been living well and enjoying being young. I feel like once I start pushing my income into loans that will take more than 10 years to pay off, I’ll lose this happiness. And, now more than ever, I feel completely and utterly alone. No one is there to guide me or put me at ease, or even tell me something patronizing like, “I’m on your side”. I feel like I won’t be so in control of my life in 2011. I want to eventually move away from Pittsburgh, I want to eventually teach, there are a lot of things I plan to eventually do. I feel like I’ll never get to; I feel like I won’t even be able to afford a new car (once mine dies), because student loan payments are going to be too steep to shoulder a car payment alongside them.
Alone. Woe is me. It’s depressing. I’m not sure I know anyone who is going to have to handle the duty of paying for their education on their own. They have parents who saved up to help them out. I don’t have that, and it makes me feel very bitter sometimes; while I try to be as selfless as I can, I can’t help but feel so selfishly resentful about it. Granted, I feel that I’m a better person in the end for having to have accomplished nearly all of the things I have over my lifespan independently. Justin and I both are. We haven’t had it easy. I feel that I’m more independent, mature, and better prepared for what life’s going to throw at me as a result. And I’m not completely ungrateful, I’m lucky to have parents who are emotionally supportive, and I know that they love me.
I just get really depressed when these loans are brought up and I’m the only one who can’t say “Pah, my parents are helping me with mine”. It doesn’t seem fair. I always worked so hard to get the most out of my education, even throughout gradeschool, applied for every grant and scholarship I could get my hands on, and I still ended up empty-handed, because someone always deserved the money more. I’m just now feeling the full impact of that loss, and it makes me feel helpless. It’s only in matters of finances that I feel this way, and it feels like whenever I turn to someone to help me sort it out, they shrug and turn their backs on me. I don’t want charity, just a hint at the right direction. I want someone to tell me it’s going to be fine, that they’ve been through this, and share what they know.
I’ve been depressed about it for awhile now, and I’m tired of being depressed. It’s not going to change my situation, it’s not going to magically unearth a hidden college fund, it’s not going to help me to stop feeling so alone. I survived my childhood without turning into a drug-addict loser who works at the local Burger King and will never see the world outside of her hometown, and while I may never be a wealthy individual, I’m never going to let myself sink into poverty. My main ambition isn’t wealth to begin with; I just want to be comfortable. I could go my whole life shopping from the clearance racks.
And when I have kids, I will know better than to let this happen to them. I will learn from this. They will have my help, support and guidance, because I will prepare for it from the day they’re born. And if I can’t do that I will not have kids. I would rather them not exist than let them feel this helpless. I will do my best not to baby them, because I have also learned that most people my age still aren’t prepared for the real world yet, because mom and dad’s wing is still so comfortable. I know there is a happy medium between neglect and spoiled, and I will find it. I don’t consider myself an artist, but when I have kids, they will be my masterpiece.
I have been wishing the world would end at midnight just so I don’t have to worry about money, as pathetic as it sounds. But you know what? EVERYONE has money issues, whether it’s a car payment, a mortgage, a small business, or any number of things. My money issue is my education. It’s the bed I made, and now I need to grow up and sleep in it. I wouldn’t take it back if I could, so why continue to bully myself about it?
And to be honest with myself, I would much rather be financially insecure than emotionally. I at least have that going for me. I love myself, I’m comfortable and happy in my skin and being single doesn’t suck for me because I know I’ll make some unknown gentleman out there feel very lucky someday (and who knows, maybe he’ll be a doctor and I’ll kill two birds with one stone). I manage to be a good person without being boring, a wise mind that still allows herself to make young mistakes, and it’s GREAT. This lady’s not going to hit 30 and wish she could go back and do it over again; I’m going to hit 30 and be excited for what’s next.
I’m not worried about anything but money, and I guess I’m kind of lucky if I look at it that way. I’d rather have these issues and be a good person than be without them and a pile of shit.
Feeling sorry for myself is so 2010; I’m going to ring in the New Year with a smile on my face, my babies. I feel that I’m finally ready for the new decade. JUST IN TIME.
Yesterday It came and went And the time I spent The time I wasted Is never coming back. And yesterday Is much the same As the life I lead Today. Except Yesterday Was different In one way (The only way that matters) And it is most unfair- Yesterday I could feel you there Close to me Because all the way Back in Yesterday I could feel you cared. I wish for Yesterday, There’s nothing I Desire more. Being free, And naive, And unafraid Of what Today had in store.
30 DAYS OF BUFFY! Day 5. Least Favorite Female Character
I don’t think I even need to say it:
I can’t think of a character that irritated me more in the Buffy Series as Dawn Summers. As a matter of fact, I think she’s the ONLY character in the series that I have firm negative feelings about. She sucked for nearly two entire seasons before she started to become even the tiniest bit cool. UN. BELIEVABLE.
Don’t give me this crap about how Dawn was only 15 and she had a lot to go through and come to terms with; every single character had the same problems, but I still enjoyed watching them traipse around on the box with the movin’ pictures as it all happened. I wish Dawn had been a Season 5-only affair; she’s the Key, the key is made flesh to be protected, our memories are altered..cool..once Glory is destroyed, the key is no longer needed, reality goes back to normal, we forget the whiny little waste of screen time that is Dawn altogether. No harm done. Maybe in Season 7 we can rediscover Dawn, maybe even have one or two Dawn-centric episodes. That would be cool. I’m deviating from the topic.
She wasn’t even amusing in “Once More, With Feeling”, and that episode was jam-packed with win. No, instead she just brought the plot down with needless kleptomania and an annoying habit of thinking everything is always about her, and then getting defensive, screechy and weepy about it when it actually is.
YOU SUCK, DAWN SUMMERS. SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK, IMMATURE YELLING GALORE.
Michelle Trachtenberg, on the other hand, I don’t have a problem with.
30 DAYS OF BUFFY! Day 4. Favorite Female Character
Anya, y’all! (C’mon, everyone says Buffy)
Anya was an awesome character. Brutally honest, irritating, and yet too lovable to actually stay mad at. Her very basic knowledge of how humans operate coupled with actually having to become human added a lot to the show, I don’t think it would have been quite as entertaining or fun without her.
[Anya has offered Xander sex] Anya: I think it’s the secret to getting you out of my mind. Putting you behind me. Behind me figuratively. I’m thinking face-to-face for the event itself. Xander Harris: Ah, right. It’s just we hardly know each other. I mean, I like you. And you have a certain directness that I admire. But sexual interc - What you’re talking about, well - and I’m actually turning into a woman as I say this - but it’s about expressing something. And accepting consequences. Anya: Oh, I have condoms. Some are black. Xander Harris: That’s… that’s very considerate.
I think Spike’s “Rest in Peace” made my fangirl levels top out, so I’ll go with that. Spike sings this to Buffy in the musical Episode, “Once More, With Feeling”. Everyone in Sunnydale is plagued with bursting out into involuntary song, and not even Spike is immune. Love this episode.
I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I CAN give you my top 24, though (chronologically):
Angel-Until this Episode, Angel is a 100% mystery. This is his first feature-episode, and it wasn’t disappointing!
Innocence-Buffy loses hers. Lololol.
Passion-Anyone who doesn’t include this episode in their favorites is NUTS. Angelus going insane and killing off the only one who can help him restore his soul? The speech on Passion? The crushing blow you feel when the episode ends on a floppy disk with a certain soul restoration ritual on it falling in between desks and being lost for (nearly) forever? C’MANNNN.
I Only Have Eyes for You-This episode still gives me chills. It’s very beautifully written and the lines it draws between the spirit in the school with Buffy and Angel is perfect. Seeing Angelus become vulnerable was really something, too.
The Wish-This is the first time we meet one of my favorite characters, Anya! It’s also the famed episode where Xander and Willow are vampires, because Cordelia wishes for an alternate reality where Buffy isn’t born. It’s great fun!
The Zeppo-A Xander-centric episode that rules because you don’t fight monsters and you don’t solve mysteries; you follow Xander around on a night he spends on his own. It’s both a hilarious and deep episode!
Something Blue-Buffy and Spike think they’re getting married. I’m a sucker.
Hush-Such a creepy episode, it’s one of the most iconic ones of the series. For good reason!
Buffy Vs. Dracula-I love the Dracula episode. How Dracula is a celebrity to the Scoobies, how Buffy doesn’t actually kill him off (that would be disappointing). They brought this Dracula back in the Season 8 comics, too. He was a very cool guy!
The Replacement-TWO Xanders?! Awesome.
Fool for Love-Spike’s episode that delves into how he killed two slayers and, of course, some other stuff that the fangirls actually care about.
The Body-Beautiful episode, even in its tragedy. This episode is different from all of the others. It’s where Buffy’s mother is found dead. There isn’t a musical score in this episode and there are a lot of harsh-angled, close-up shots with the camera that you don’t see very often on TV. Buffy’s mother died completely of natural causes; with this being a supernatural-centric show, I think that’s what made it most disturbing. Buffy realizes that she’s more comfortable battling monsters than real-life problems.
The Weight of the World-Buffy becomes overwhelmed with the Glory-situation and recedes into her own mind, stuck on a loop of when she was a child.
ONCE MORE WITH FEELING (DOY)-OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES EVER ARE YOU CRAZY.
Tabula Rasa-Randy and Giles 4LYF.
Smashed-Buffy and Spike “get together” for the first time, since he finds out that he can hurt her. Sexy.
As You Were-We catch up with Riley one more time after the heartbreaking exit he made in Season 5.
Hell’s Bells-Xander & Anya’s “Wedding” episode. Depressing, yet a great ‘sode.
Normal Again-Buffy is in an insane asylum because none of her delusions about Sunnydale or Vampires are real. The kicker: we never find out for sure if that’s true. o.O
Villains- Willow has the flipout of the century after Tara’s murder.
Grave-Willow has to be calmed down from her massive flipout, and Xander The Zeppo is the only one who can do it. D’aww.
Conversations With Dead People-I don’t care who you are, this was an interesting episode. We reconnect with alll kiiinds of dead people.
Storyteller-Andrew documents life with the Slayers. Cute!
End of Days-This and the last episode—epic and heartbreaking. So much goes down.
We’ll see if I actually do this over the span of 30 days, or if I get really impatient. BE PREPARED FOR A BUFFY FLOOD FROM ME. I found this and now I’m going to geek out to it, since Buffy’s my favorite show and probably the only show that I could spew about for days at a time. You’re welcome.
Day 1/FAVORITE SEASON:
It’s really hard to pick ONE season of Buffy that I enjoy the most. I could watch all of them over and over (trust me, I have) without getting sick of them.
If I HAVE to pick, though, I’d go with Season 6. Deep angst, Spike & Buffy, Evil Willow, the Musical Episode, the Trio…ah, good times. Most of my favorite episodes are in this season.
Season 6 has so much depth and layering, how could it not be the best? It’s where things begin to get truly “real” for most of the characters. Buffy comes back to life and has to question whether or not she prefers it that way; she has to face the harsh realities of life after her mother’s death, including getting a job to support her younger sister. She turns to the “enemy” for comfort because she estranges herself from her friends. She isn’t the only one whose life gets turned upside-down, either. Pretty much everyone has shit hitting the fan in Season 6, and while it gets pretty depressing, it makes for one hell of an interesting show. Joss Whedon’s love of despair shines in Season 6, I’m not sure any of them made it out without feeling their lowest at least once.
HOWEVER, in Season 6, you’re over the hump of Buffy dying. You’re over the initial urges to strangle Dawn, and you know that things can’t end any more badly than they did in the season prior. Even after all of the misery, Season 6 ends well, which is one of my favorite features about it.
Things that sucked in season 6: Dawn, Giles leaving, Anya being left at the altar.
Another thing that sucks is the absence of Cordelia (yeah I know she left FOREVER AGO). I liked her. She moved to Angel and became mature and womanly, LIKE A BIG BABY.
While signing about 100 MJC Christmas Cards on Friday, I realized how odd the name ‘Amy’ probably looks to people in countries where ‘Amy’ isn’t common. Words look crazy and misspelled when you write them repeatedly over a hundred times. EVEN YOUR OWN NAME. Isn’t that the nuttiest thing?
I realized tonight that this will be my first Christmas I have to spend “alone” since 2005. I’m not depressed about it, in fact, I think I kind of need and deserve this. Though I have my moments, I am pretty comfortable with being single (though I may not feel so humble on New Years Eve, haha).
Thinking about this also made me realize how long 5 years really is. I was in 10th grade five years ago. It feels like it’s been much longer than that. I also realized that it’s been almost exactly three years since I’ve even seen or spoken to my “high school sweetheart”, Mike. It’s kind of a shame, since I devoted so much of my life to him (and vice-versa). However, I’m also a little glad about it. I left his memory right where it belongs: with my high school memories. I was in love with him for four years and dated him for two and a half. We had our time, and our lives are better because we knew each other. I’m glad I had someone like him during my high school career, and I’m glad I haven’t been with him since. I’m not in high school anymore.
I do try to keep a good standing with my exes. People who are hateful towards everyone they’ve dated sends up a red flag for me; it means there’s something wrong with them, not the ex. So in that respect, I do hope to officially reconcile with Mike one day. He’s the only one so far that I haven’t been able to properly make amends with. It probably won’t happen for several years, he is still very much a child and probably still very bitter. Maybe I’m still a little bitter, too.
But he was my first love, my first Christmas not spent alone, and one day, we will meet again. Why am I telling you this? Because my Tumblr needed to be fed a blog entry.
2011 is creeping up faster than that Mexican food I ate earlier. (I’m just trying to be funny, I didn’t even eat Mexican food earlier.) So, here is a list of crap I want to do/accomplish in the new year. It’s likely that none of this crap will actually happen. That’s why I’m not calling them ‘resolutions’.
-Keep count of how many times I am told I look like Kirsten Dunst. -Make at least $15 hourly, wherever I happen to be working. -Read at least one novel (I’m not setting the bar too high here). -Save up $8-10,000, somehow, for a new car. -Train myself to start using the phrase “Completely Pinhead!” to describe things. -Open up a savings account (I wouldn’t use one if I had one at the moment). -Learn new and interesting ways to style my hair/makeup. -Visit California at least one time. -Visit the Harry Potter theme park. -Get a dog. -Redesign my portfolio site to not look like garbage. -Redesign and update my portfolio in general. -Create at least two paintings.
I reserve the right to add to this list WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.